Catch Me When I Fall
by castleelovee
Summary: "I'm in the process of falling and no one's there to catch me." He whispered. "I'll catch you. Every time."
1. Savior

There are moments in his life that he is in desperate need of a savior.

Now is one of those times.

He has provided a shelter to those in need. He wraps his arms around them to provide a safety that life cannot truly offer, for at any moment the unexpected can happen. But he would be there regardless, holding them together in times when they believed they would break.

How is he supposed to provide safety and comfort for himself though? When the one thing that is causing his pain and suffering is the one thing that he wants the most?

Kate Beckett was extraordinary. She was a woman who was aware of what she wanted and knew precisely how to get it. How is it that he knew that she wanted him, but wouldn't allow herself to give in and succumb? His pain and suffering began here and ended here.

In order to survive the times when our heart is aching and ready to crumble, we have to look at what's best for ourselves. Self-preservation after all is apart of our nature.

Richard Castle knew that he wanted Katherine Beckett. He also knew that while the heart wants what the heart wants, sometimes too much pain is endured and you believe you can take no more. He was sick and tired of not being seen. He was under a veil. You could him and his emotions, but not entirely. What he wants you to see is different than who he truly is.

Every day he used to put on a mask and pretend he didn't care for that detective. Day by day however, the mask was slowly pulled away. His eyes began to portray a little bit more caring in them everyday. He found her to be astonishing, yet when he tried to move their relationship forward, she made it clear in subtle ways that for now they must remain static.

So what did he do when this became too much?

He left the precinct.

* * *

"So you're leaving?"

"It would appear so." He replied.

Silence. He felt a need to fill it but resisted the urge. He hoped this was for the best.

"What the hell Rick?"

They had been growing closer and closer lately. They comforted each other on those cases that hit close to home and gave one another tidbits of information that before were to be left unspoken. He wasn't sure when they became best friends, but it was around the time they began using each other's first names.

"It's not for long Detective, while it may be indefinite it is necessary."

"See that's the part that I'm not quite catching on to! What's going on Rick?"

Her green eyes pierced his cobalt blue eyes. Her eyes were clouded with confusion and hurt he never wanted to be the cause of. Her stare told him that she wanted an honest answer, but would he be able to adequately provide one?

He sat down on a nearby bench in the park. He suggested they went for a walk earlier when he arrived at her house after she had called him over wanting to talk and hang out.

Kate could see the self-disgust on his face as he rested his elbows on his knees and stared straight down at the ground. She barely heard him when he started talking at a near whisper.

"I don't know what's happening Kate. I feel as if something's just not right with me and I don't know what it is. I feel lost.

You've been a great friend, honest. I hope I've been the same because you're one of the few people in my life that I can turn to easily and talk to without being judged. That's just our relationship, it's who we are. Lately though…"

He didn't continue like she thought he would. She remained silent in hope that he would continue; unsure of what he was trying to say. For an author that wrote so eloquently and could come up theories at the drop of a hat, she realized that he couldn't portray his feelings well directly.

"I still don't understand though. You seem happy! I don't know why you have to go to the Hamptons again for another break when you're satisfied here."

"That's the thing though Kate! I'm satisfied. Satisfied. I want more though out of life and I'm just not getting it. I need to distance myself. It may cause more pain, self-inflicted perhaps. I just need… Something." He paused. "There are times when all of my to-do lists are finished and complete, but I still can't go to bed at night. I feel like I still have something to do but I can't! I'm frustrated with myself all the time for thinking things that I shouldn't –"

She interrupted him and asked, "What shouldn't you be thinking?"

She looked at him as he raised his head and arched his eyebrow.

"Many many things Kate." He said as he rose from the cold bench and stood – simply gazing at a happy couple holding hands passing by.

"Castle, we all go through times that are difficult because we're not getting what we want. It's up to us to make it through them though, because if we don't we slip through the cracks and fall."

"I'm in the process of falling and no one's there to catch me." He whispered.

"I'll catch you. Every time."


	2. Stay

They were now sitting side by side on the cold bench as the cool air swirled around them, each of them thinking about the way things were turning out.

Pulling him from his thoughts Kate asked, "Rick?"

"Hmm?"

"Why did you go to the Hamptons the first time anyway?"

If he was surprised by how up front she was, he didn't show it. He probably expected her to ask this question, after all he sometimes knew her better than she knew herself.

"Do you know those times when you want something so bad that when it doesn't happen, you're just so disappointed and aggravated?"

"Yes, I know what you mean."

"You and I are alike in the sense that when we both want something, we go for it. But you… you handle it in a way that I admire."

"By being consumed in it?" she said with a chuckle.

"In a way yes. You have tenacity and a persistence that I lose after a certain amount of time. I just needed space then."

"Like now?" She questioned.

"Yes."

"Did distancing yourself work?"

"In a way, yes." He said cryptically in a near whisper.

Silence.

It seemed to her that there were a lot of silences between them. They used to happen on occasion, sometimes in the car to a crime scene or sometimes while they waited in the break room for a case. Nowadays though, they seemed much more frequent and she was struggling to keep up.

Rick was always one step ahead of her in those silences. He always found a way to soothe the detective's troubles away in them and start up a conversation, even to make her smile for an instant. When he doesn't though, the silence is deafening to her and she struggles to capture the words often left unsaid, that will perhaps only leave his mind in his books.

"What were you distancing yourself from then?" She asked.

"The same thing I am trying to do now." He replied.

"Rick, not everything is rainbows and butterflies. You can make it through this hardship, I know you can. Whatever it is, you can do it." She insisted, knowing he was moments away from leaving.

"I feel weak all the time Kate. I feel like it's inevitable that I'll crumble and fall to pieces. I fear each day that it will happen. I don't want to anymore."

"I don't want you to go." She admitted quietly.

"This isn't some walk in the park for me either Kate. I don't want to go either."

"So don't!" she said.

He could see that it was hard for her to portray her feelings. These were the times that he knew she was most vulnerable. Rick felt that if he just touched her she would break.

"Kate…" he warned, knowing if she'd ask, he'd comply.

"Stay in the city Rick."

She watched as his expression turned to a dramatic degree of sadness. His resolve was crumbling and she could see in his eyes he was trying to build walls up between the two of them.

_I'll fight everyone of them to fall right back down, _she thought.

"For me." She added.

Silence.

For once, she was finally able to catch up to him in the unspoken conversation.

He would stay. For her.


	3. Clean Break

She thought that their connection wasn't as strong as it was before.

There were times in conversations that she could tell he was about to say something, but held back. It was like he was holding a part of himself back when all she wanted to do was figure him out.

A week had passed since he stayed for her.

It was selfish of her to ask him to stay. She knew that. But that didn't stop her from letting the request fall from her lips.

Kate had arrived early to the bullpen, as usual. A creature of habit, she draped her leather coat around her chair, the chair that _he_ used to sit in just to get a rise out of her. Lately he had been doing those things less often. He wasn't being himself.

When she saw the disarray her desk was in she decided to clean it. When she was almost satisfied, she saw a magazine article sticking out from a case report with a post it on it. She recognized the handwriting as Lanie's and it her writing looked rushed, it seemed from excitement.

_Kate, _

_Seems like you and Writer boy have quite a lot to talk about. I still think he is so into you!_

_Lanie_

She began reading the article published a little over a week ago.

**Talented mystery novelist Richard Castle is preparing for his newest release, ****Naked Heat****. We were offered a sneak peak, and we're quite impressed. While others have argued that Richard's "muse," Detective Katharine Beckett, has been distracting for him, I can most certainly say it had paid off in the end. The depth added to the characters is phenomenal as well has the relationship between Rook and Nikki. In an exclusive interview about his novel, we discussed with Castle the inspirations he encountered.**

"**So Richard, have you preferred writing the Nikki Heat series or other series in the past?"**

"**I love writing all of my series because it's my passion. I can write about anything. I would have to say writing this series has been my favorite but I've struggled as well with it. The fact that I get to write some pretty heated scenes too adds to it." He replied in his typical boyish humor.**

"**You mentioned problems arising while writing this series. What were some of them and why?"**

"**Every novel comes with it's own difficulties. The main problem with this series, this book in particular, is that it's one of my most personal books. I like to incorporate the things I experience, while also creating the characters in a way that they have their very own story to tell."**

"**Does Nikki Heat have a different story than Detective Kate Beckett?"**

"**Nikki Heat is a fictional character inspired by Kate. While she is the based off of her, she has her own unique story."**

"**A lot of controversy has arisen about you shadowing Kate Beckett."**

"**Oh believe me I know." He said as he chuckled. **

"**Do you think that Kate Beckett has been a distraction to your working process, like some of your fans do?"**

"**After all is said and done, I believe that the end justifies the means. A lot of people, including both fans and my own friends and family, have brought this topic to my attention. My poker buddy James Patterson included."**

"**And how did you respond to his input?"**

"**I then proceeded to kick his butt in poker of course!"**

"**While I'm sure that was fun, do you have your own opinion about this that you'd like to share?"**

"**Without Kate Beckett, there would be no Nikki Heat series. If my writing process has slowed down and is not satisfying my fans, that's too bad. Nikki's character has become so relatable in my opinion because she's developed fully and realistically."**

"**Is your relationship with your inspiration confusing at times?"**

"**What relationship isn't? I enjoy pulling her pigtails and while we are dealing with serious issues, I think I've found a connection that I thought didn't exist."**

"**With just Kate or others as well?"**

"**Ultimately, the precinct on the whole. I've met so many great people that day in and day out change lives and fight for justice. They don't get that much credit, which can most certainly be shown through their paychecks if I may add, but they're still there doing their job. I admire each and everyone of them for the amount of time they commit and feel a bond not like any other. I've witnessed their interactions and they aren't just the 12****th****, they're a family that I hope to say I am apart of."**

"**And what role does Beckett play in this family?"**

"**She's a strong leader with a tenacity like no other. Part of the reason I requested to shadow her was because she is determined and has her mind set on things. She's a inspiration, she's a confidant, and ultimately, she's my best friend."**

"**The relationship between the two of you, is it strictly professional?"**

"**Like I said, she's my best friend. I've recently discovered that I guess it is possible to have a hot friend and be **_**just**_** friends."**

"**Do you see your relationship changing in the near future?"**

"**I've been trying to live in the present nowadays and I've been struggling with it. I try looking towards the future but I'm just an author. I can write things that I want to happen but it doesn't mean it will, heck, who even knows if there is going to be another book after this."**

"**Really? I wasn't aware that it was up to debate."**

"**It's more of a recent issue that will be dealt with."**

"**Do you want there to be another book?"**

"**Sometimes, when you're writing the lines between fiction and reality start to blur. A clean break from this might be the best but so could sticking with Nikki Heat. Nikki Heat will always hold a very special place in my heart. Previous characters like Derrick Storm have as well but Nikki… she's exceptional and like no other."**

**Richard Castle has some big decisions to make concerning the next book. Personally, I would be devastated if there wasn't another book. As he said himself, Nikki is special and she has captured the hearts of many. **

_Wow. He's hasn't mentioned any of this to me. Why didn't he tell me about the article being published? And a clean break might be best? _

They had grown so close and she was upset that he hadn't discussed any of this with her. He used to brag about being interviewed, and now it was like he was hiding it.

She saw the light on in the captain's office and got up and slipped her jacket on and walked over to peek inside to see if Roy was there.

"Sir?" she asked.

"Beckett. You're in earlier than usual. What's up?"

"We don't have a case and I'm caught up on paperwork so I was wondering if I could take the morning off?"

"Well this is a first."

"I know it's pretty late notice but I have to take care of something." She said with pleading eyes.

"Alright. Go ahead."

"Thank you."

She turned to leave when Roy's voice stopped her for a moment.

"Straighten things out with Castle and make sure to tell him hello for me."

She began walking with a smirk on her face. She pulled out her cell phone, the iPhone that Castle insisted on buying her.

From memory she dialed Rick's cell phone number.

"KB, what's up?"

"We need to talk."

"Um, if this is about eating the last snickers from your candy stash you had in your desk drawer I was dying of hunger! I'm on my way to grab coffee in the park and afterwards I'm going to replace your stash with all the good stuff, cross my heart."

"Relax Castle - what? You ate my snickers?"

"I was hungry!"

"Castle you are so – that's not what I was calling you about but make sure you replace it with the usual. Can I meet you at the normal coffee stand in five and we'll take a walk?"

She sensed his hesitance to answer.

"Please?" She added.

"See you in five." He said, promptly hanging up the phone afterwards.

She returned her phone to her jacket pocket and made her way over to the elevator to push the button.

The questions in her head would finally be answered. The restlessness she often suffered from at night would cease. She would often stay up all night wondering where her relationship with Castle is going.

Hopefully she would find out how the story ends.

* * *

Hello readers! I hope you've been enjoying the story and are satisfied with it's progression. The plot bunny of this story just won't go away, which would explain why I am updating so soon. I'd love to hear your thoughts about the story and if you'd like to see anything happen! Review if you would like to, it would make me so happy! [:


	4. Selfless

When she arrived at the usual coffee stand, she was surprised Castle wasn't there. She scouted the area looking for him and discovered that he had two coffees in hand and was sitting on a nearby bench.

The same bench that she begged him to stay for her on. The bench that reminded her just how selfish she had been by asking him to stay.

Kate walked over and sat down next to him on the cold bench. He wordlessly passed over her coffee and she took a sip. Of course it was just how she liked it.

For a few moments they sat in silence.

Rick was trying to think about why Kate had made him meet her here and so early in the day. They didn't have a case so they didn't need to consult on anything and they had just talked on the phone last night. He knew that when she was ready she would begin speaking her mind.

Apparently that was now because she maintained eye contact as she spoke with a furrowed brow.

"You know, sometimes I just get caught in a whirlwind of my own thoughts that I don't really absorb what's going on around me. I forget that my actions often affect those around me, not always in the best way."

He nodded silently to show he was following her train of thought.

She continued, "I've been thinking a lot recently and I realized I was wrong to ask you to stay in the city."

His head tilted to the side and his eyes were filled with confusion. "What's this about Kate?"

"Like I said, I shouldn't have asked you to stay in the city Rick."

"Kate it's fine, honestly."

"But it's not! If it were fine I wouldn't feel that our relationship is so strained right now and I have no idea how it got to be this way or how to even fix it!"

"You asked me as a friend to stay, and I did."

"People always leave Rick," she whispered.

For a brief moment she saw him debate about his next move. He only hesitated for a brief second though before he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into his chest.

"It's not your fault though. You're an exceptional person Kate, and anyone that leaves you is missing out."

Exceptional. He called her exceptional. In the interview he also called Nikki Heat exceptional. Perhaps the lines of reality and fiction really were getting blurred?

"I just didn't want you to go," she admitted softly.

"Which is why I stayed. I don't want you to think I'm like everyone else, because I'm not. I'm not because I won't leave you, intentionally or not. I couldn't."

"It wasn't fair of me to ask you that though."

"Why not? We're friends aren't we?"

"Of course we are but friends don't make each other stay for each other out of selfishness."

"You Kate Beckett are anything but selfish."

She chuckled, but he didn't hear true contentment. She separated the space between the two of them and said, "That's where you're wrong though. It was selfish of me to ask you a thing like that because I could clearly see that you were unhappy."

She could tell he was reluctant to reply to this when he turned his head away and fixed his stare off in the distance.

"I put my own happiness above yours and I shouldn't have. I knew something was wrong but I didn't really try to find out what. I let something come between us, I just don't know what."

"None of this is your fault KB."

"I wish I could believe that. If it wasn't my fault then why didn't you tell me about that interview?"

His face instantly turned to one of shock. "You know about that?"

"Yes. Normally you tell me about those types of things and it has me wondering why you didn't."

"Honestly? I don't really know for sure. I thought that if I didn't tell you, everything would stay as it was. I don't want that but I also don't want things to change for the negative."

"So what about Nikki Heat?"

"What about her?"

"Are you giving up on her?" she questioned.

"Kate, I would never give up on you."

"That's not what I asked Rick."

He determinedly replied, "Yes it is and you know it."

"Fine. But going to the Hamptons wasn't giving up on me?"

"Absolutely not. That was just me wanting to take a break," he began. "To get away and clear my head."

"Do you still need to?"

"Not if you need me here."

"Castle you don't need to be selfless. Do what's best for you."

"I am nowhere near close to being selfless KB. I think we both handled this situation wrong. I was being selfish when I needed time away and didn't think about you. You helped me realize that."

"I just want you to be happy."

"I am Kate. I am."

He moved closer to her on the bench and silently placed his hand on top of hers, showing he would be there for her no matter what.

"Have you worked some of the things out though?"

"For the most part I think so."

"Well, then is it the end of the Nikki Heat series?" she asked, worry taking over her expression.

"Maybe, maybe not."

"Sometimes it may seem like I don't appreciate you as a friend or a partner but I've gotten used to you pulling my pigtails."

He remembered when she first told him that. He was so ecstatic and could barely contain himself. Kinda like now.

He reached over and lightly pulled a section of her hair, causing her to erupt in laughter.

* * *

I feel like I've been neglecting this story recently, so here's another chapter! I'm sorry if it took a while, I've been working on my other story a lot recently. If you want to check it out head over to my profile and it's called Bullet.

Review please :)


	5. Point Me in the Right Direction

Kate had arrived at Lanie's house a little over an hour ago. She was hoping that they could discuss what was going on with Castle because truthfully, she didn't have the slightest idea.

"So you didn't really talk about the future then?" Lanie asked.

"Not really."

"You've got to be kidding me Kate!"

"What do you mean?"

"He gets interviewed and he talks about how he's unsure of his relationship with you. He calls you exceptional!"

"He called Nikki Heat exceptional," she debated.

"We both know you're one in the same practically when he talks about you. While the plot and events that happen are different, the feelings are the same," Lanie pointed out.

"He did call me exceptional yesterday in the park too," Kate replied.

"See! He has a thing for you and you're being stubborn and refuse to see it!" She exclaimed.

"Lanie, I admit that I see the possibility of a relationship there. I just don't know if he even wants it still," she admitted quietly.

"What do you mean?" She questioned.

"I told you about how he was considering taking a break."

"Yeah so?"

"I don't think he would really want to get away from the city, and ultimately me, if he wanted things to move forward. Going away would just put things at a standstill," she pointed out.

"That's not true Kate. I'm going to speak freely and you're not allowed to get mad, okay?"

"Lanie I don't really - "

"Okay?" she asked in a tone that was nonnegotiable.

"Fine."

"He's already gone to the Hamptons before. He invited you to come and you said no, so he invited Gina. You decided to get all mad about it because he decided to bring someone else. Gina wouldn't have gone with him if you had said yes, so you brought that upon yourself. While they were there, they got together because he still thought you were with Tom.

You know I'm always on your side Kate, because I'm your friend, but I'm also Rick's friend too. It's not his fault he wanted to try to move on, you never had the chance to tell him you and Josh broke up. You can't place that on him though because he didn't know what you were trying to say. While everyone at the precinct tried to be on your side, we all knew it wasn't just his fault. The phone works both ways.

Now, he wants to try to get away and distance himself a little bit, and honestly I can't blame him. He keeps trying to have a relationship with you, and when he even remotely suggests it you turn him down every time."

"That's not true Lanie," Kate argued.

"The first time you met him you turned him down. You turned him down when he invited you to the Hamptons. You turned him down two weeks ago when he asked you if you wanted to go see a movie after having dinner and you said as long as it wasn't a date."

"Well how am I supposed to trust him with all his baggage?"

"Everyone has baggage," she pointed out. "You have a lot of baggage too but do you see him using that against you? He wants to be with you, really be with you. When you're happy, mad, angry, annoyed, and sad. He's ready to take all that on because he likes you Kate, possibly more. And what are you ready to do?"

What was she ready to do? If Lanie was right and he was ready to take on all of her emotions, and simply be with her, would she do the same? Sure she got annoyed when he was acting childish, but she wouldn't want him to act any other way because he was acting like himself. She wouldn't want to change him in hopes of making him her ideal man, because he already was.

From her silent reverie Lanie knew she got the point.

* * *

This was more of a filler chapter, but I still hope you enjoyed it. I feel as though Kate sometimes needs to talk to someone else to gain perspective, otherwise she wouldn't know what to do. In this case, I wanted to use Lanie as someone that could help her sort out her feelings and point Kate in the right direction.

Review?


	6. Distance

A/N Enjoy! Flashbacks are italicized.

* * *

"Beckett," she routinely said as she answered her phone.

"Yo Beckett," Esposito began. "We got a cold one, and it's right up your alley."

"How do you know it's right up my alley?"

"It's weird," he said as though it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Fine, give me the address."

Esposito rattled off the address while Kate rubbed the sleep from her eyes and began getting ready to call Castle.

"Castle," he answered.

"Hey Rick, we've got a murder on our hands. I'll be in front of your building in about fifteen or twenty minutes."

"Oh. Um actually Detective I have something that I need to take care of today so I won't be able to tag along."

"What?"

"I can't shadow you today, I've got plans."

"I understood that part Rick, but what do you have to do?"

"Keeping up with my ware bouts?" he teased, hoping to lighten things up, perhaps avoid the question.

"You wish," she quipped. "You didn't tell me you had anything to do today though yesterday when we talked."

"It's a last minute thing."

"Oh, well, I guess I'll see you soon?" she questioned.

"You betcha but I have to go bye!"

She heard the click of his phone.

What was that all about? Castle had been so secretive on the phone that it unsettled her. He never did anything before ten in the morning unless it had something to do with Alexis or if they caught a case. Heck, he barely was ever up before ten o'clock.

So why didn't he tell her his plans?

* * *

If he had thought that putting distance between himself and Kate would be easy, he was so very wrong.

His mind drifted back towards last night and a conversation he had with his mother in the kitchen.

_"Uh-oh," Martha said as a way of greeting her son as she entered the kitchen._

_"Uh-oh what?" He questioned, directing his thoughts to his mother._

_"You're sitting on the kitchen counter," she simply stated._

_"Your know Mother, now might be a good time to tell me the point you're trying to make with your obvious observation," he hinted._

_"Oh no, it's nothing dear."_

_"If you say so," he dismissed her as he looked down at his hands._

_"It's just..." _

_"Mother just tell me before I loose my cool."_

_"You can't lose something you never had Richard," she joked but received a look from her son warning her with his eyes he was not in the mood. "Anyways, all I'm trying to say is that the only times that you sit on the kitchen counter is when you're thinking about something drastic."_

_"That's not true!"_

_"Oh it is and you know it."_

_"Oh yeah? Name one time," he challenged. _

_"Just one? Fine. The time that you and Meredith were in the process of divorce. Need another? The time you were going through some emotional troubles raising Alexis. Another? Okay the time -"_

_"I get the point," he interrupted._

_"I'm not trying to upset you darling. I'm just pointing out that you must be going through something._

_"Maybe," he murmured._

_"You can try to lie to me Richard but I'm your mother and despite how much you don't like it, I've been able to read you like a book since you were a kid. Now spill," she encouraged as she slowly raised her body up, crossing her legs pretzel-style as she sat next to her son on the counter._

_"It's Kate."_

_"Ah."_

_"What's that supposed to mean?"_

_"I figured as much. So what's wrong?"_

_"You know I wanted to get away to the Hamptons for a while, get a little R&R."_

_"Distance yourself from Kate, yes, I know."_

_"It wasn't like that!"_

_"Like a book Richard, like a book," she offhandedly said. _

_"Fine, maybe it was like that. Only a little bit though."_

_"Focus Richard," she reminded him._

_"Well the reason I didn't go was because she asked me to stay. I'm glad she was brave enough to do that, I truly am. I know Kate is a woman who doesn't usually ask for something like that, so I stayed."_

_"And now you're questioning your decision," his mother filled in._

_"Yeah, a little bit."_

_"Listen Richard. I'm your mother but most importantly I'm your friend. That means that I want what's best for you and will offer you my opinion and advice, so here it is. To others it may seem like you were running away from your problems when you wanted to go to the Hamptons, but anyone that knows you, and I mean really knows you, knows that simply is not the case. You are very fast-paced at times, but for the things that really matter to you, you like to step back and evaluate the situation._

_You weren't sure where your relationship with Kate was going, and from what I can tell you still don't know now. It doesn't make you a bad person to want to look over things and decide what you want and what's best. I think it is an admirable characteristic, one that more men should have. If you need time to think things over, take it. But you don't have to go to the Hamptons to do it," she ended._

_"What do you mean?"_

_"I mean, you don't need to travel all the way to the Hamptons to gain some insight on your relationship. You can gain that perspective here."_

_"How?" he questioned, unsure where his mother was going with this idea._

_"You can always think about it in the privacy of your own home. I would be more than happy to help, and I'm sure Alexis would as well. Maybe if you distance yourself in a way that you're not totally unavailable to Kate, it will be better than being hours away in the Hamptons and she'll also be able to contribute to your thoughts."_

_"So what you mean is that I should go away, without actually going away?"_

_"I'm not suggesting that you abandon her Richard. She may have asked you to stay because she was scared of the idea of you not being in the city and not being able to contact you immediately. You can still think about what is happening between the two of you in New York City, and still be there for her when she needs you. She may just have been upset that you were just leaving. This way, you're still there for her and she's still there for you, but there's a distance so that you can think and evaluate the conundrum the two of you are in. All I am saying is maybe you need some space."_

There had been few times that Richard Castle had actually listened to his mother, and following her advice was something completely different. So needless to say, he was surprised that he was actually following his mother's advice.

When she had called earlier and expected him to be there for the case, it shattered him when he realized that she was confused as to why he couldn't. Normally he would let her know his plans for the day. The truth was though, he didn't have any.

He had told Kate that he would be there for her no matter what, and he wanted to believe that he wasn't lying. He would be there for her if she needed someone to talk to or simply someone to hang out with, something his mother had pointed out that he should make sure he does. But that didn't mean he could do it all the time though, he was loosing his mind as all the desires of moving their relationship to the next level swirled around his head.

"Good morning Dad," the teen said cheerfully as she walked into his study.

"Hey Pumpkin," he replied.

"What's wrong?"

"Why does something have to be wrong?" He asked.

"Well considering Kate just called you and you said you have plans to do but you don't… I'd say something is up."

"I don't really know what's going on Alexis."

"Well if you don't know what's going on, how is she supposed to?" she asked rhetorically.

"I don't know what you mean," he said in confusion.

"Kate's going to notice that something isn't right, and knowing her, she's going to try to figure it out," she pointed out.

"But I don't even know what's going on," he said stubbornly as he placed his elbows on his desk and rested his head on them.

"No need to get cranky," she teased. "All I'm trying to say is that if you start sending her weird vibes and signals, she's going to want to know what's going on. So you better figure it out."

"I guess you're right Sweetie," he said defeated.

"Aren't I always?" she grinned.

"Of course. Sometimes I wonder how you got so smart."

"So do I, considering I have you as a father."

"Ouch. You wound me!"

"Well anyways, I hope you figure out what's going on in that head of yours. Maybe you should invite Kate over for dinner?"

"That sounds like a good idea, but not today sweetie. I think I just want to have the day for myself."

"Whatever you want Dad, just make sure you don't wait too long!"

* * *

Well there you go. I liked the way this chapter turned out, although it wasn't what I had originally planned. What do you guys think?

Review?


	7. Blind Leap

Kate couldn't believe it. After finally closing the case and planning to go home and take a relaxing bath, she was pounding on Rick's door to his loft.

She wasn't even sure how she got here. She remembered giving the cab driver her address and then when she finally got to her apartment building, all she did was look up through the window. She apologized to the cab driver before rattling off Rick's address.

The whole case she wondered what exactly was going on between them, and he wasn't even around. That was part of the problem; she wasn't sure as to why he wasn't around.

"Beckett?" he asked. From the tone of his voice she could tell that he was very surprised as to her sudden appearance at his of at, oh God, at 1AM. That would explain his messed up hair, but gosh did he look cute and ador- wait she was here for a reason, no matter the time.

"I know how late it is," she said as she moved past his frozen frame in the door. Heading towards his study, she smiled and asked over her shoulder, "You coming?"

The pair wordlessly made their way into his study. On the way there Rick couldn't help but wonder about all the reasons she was here right now at 1 AM. Was she hurt? Did she need a sounding board about their latest case? Was she in need of advice?

He motioned for her to sit down on the leather couch right next to his vast bookshelf. She had expected him to follow suit and sit beside her, but he continued to the window with arms crossed and gazed out.

"So what's up?" He asked cautiously.

"We had a case," she said softly.

"I know," he replied.

"You didn't shadow me for it."

He was caught of guard, she could tell from the slight reflections he could see of him in the window.

"And you weren't busy were you?"

Deciding to be honest he answered, "Not in the slightest."

"It may seem weird that I am here, especially so late at night. I guess the reason is that I just want to know what's going on."

The silence between them was filled with unspoken words and confessions. He had taken his mother's advice as well as part of Alexis' and this is what happened. He was in his office with Kate when their relationship was up in the air.

"Both of them underestimated you," he softly said.

Not knowing what he was talking about she said, "I'm not quite sure I'm following you Rick."

"I guess I put too much faith in you not noticing that I wasn't around. It might be because you're a detective though."

"If you tell anyone this Rick, I will most certainly deny it and then proceed to make sure they don't find your body, but I noticed because I'm your best friend."

"I know I just figured I had more time."

Why was he answering so cryptically? She had come here to figure out what was going on, but all he was doing was causing her to have more questions. She desperately wanted the answers but he had been guarded lately. She was deliberating the best way to approach this when he interrupted her thoughts.

"It was selfish of me to not shadow you on cases for my own piece of mind, to abandon you –"

"Aren't you being a little bit overdramatic?"

"Shouldn't I be the one telling you that?" he chuckled.

"If I have learned anything by being your friend Rick it's that sometimes things don't have to be so complicated."

"Carpe diem," he whispered.

"Exactly," she said before getting up to explore the room.

She remembered the very first time that she was exposed to Castle's study. To say it was gorgeous to her was an understatement. She never knew she could find such a simple room to be so appealing, but strangely it was. The walls radiated Rick's personality effortlessly.

"It's my favorite room too," he said quietly beside her.

She raised her head a little bit to meet his gaze before asking, "How did you know what I was thinking?"

"Don't I always?" he retorted.

She didn't want to keep pushing so she sighed softly. He quickly picked up on her disappointment from that one sound.

"Your eyes," he said before retreating to his desk, where she was sure he felt most comfortable.

"What do you mean?"

"The first time I met you, your eyes were very descriptive. They're your best feature hands down."

"Rick the first time you met me I'm sure that you weren't looking at my eyes," she said dryly.

"But you see Detective, that wasn't the first time I met you," he said offhandedly.

_Oh gosh. Did he remember? How can he be so flippant while saying that?_

"W-what?"

"You don't need to play coy Kate. The first time I met you wasn't at my book party, it was at a book signing."

"You remember?" she asked amazed as she made her way over towards his desk.

"I may have a lot of characteristics assigned to my name, but forgetful is not one Kate," he gently said while indicating for her to perch herself on his desk.

She immediately obliged. He had been leaning back in his chair but sat up as she took her place leaning against his workspace, his sanctuary.

"Will you tell me?" she asked shyly.

He nodded his head, knowing that if she asked anything from him he would do it in a heartbeat.

"Paula had kept pestering me about going to more parties hosted by other celebrities. I constantly told her that there wasn't enough time, but she was always persistent. I explained what must have been one hundred times that book signings were important to me. The fans were important to me.

Against her wishes I kept setting up more book signings at various bookstores. Barnes and Nobles as well as the occasional Borders. Sometimes even privately owned ones. I enjoyed book signings far more than those parties with unreal people that didn't really care about me.

Book signings were the only place that people really came for me. It was nice to finally hear some positive feedback after all those years of trying to make it as an author. Looking back now it was probably my best time as a published author, because then it wasn't about the fame and the publicity that Paula stresses about. It was about people reading a book and escaping. It was about me going to a signing and talking to people that actually read the book and had an opinion."

She watched as he considered if he should continue. She wordlessly reached over to his nearby hand and squeezed it gently, giving him the strength to continue his recollection.

"By then I already had Alexis, but Meredith was long gone. I was struggling personally so when I went to book signings I tried to escape and find a shred of happiness from each person, and hopefully return it to them.

I've always been know to look towards the future, which is probably why whenever I am signing someone's book I'm looking through the line to see who I will soon encounter. I scanned through the decently sized line, scoping out personalities and moods. I didn't see you then, so when you finally made it to the signing table I was surprised to see you. I looked up from the previous customer as they walked away and there were you.

Your eyes drew me in almost instantly. I could tell from your stance that you weren't quite sure if it was your turn and your eyes that kept darting around proved it too. You seemed different than the other fans. You had an air of sadness around you that I couldn't quite place – but I knew was there.

I don't even remember asking your name to be honest. So I'm not sure if I did or not but I do remember you simply saying Kate Beckett and handing the book over to me. I spent a reasonable amount of time on other's books, but I took my time with yours. When I was done with the signing I asked Paula if she knew who you were. After that at every book signing I looked for you. You can imagine how surprised I was when I found you at a book launch looking to ask me about a murder that I was a suspect in," he ended lightly.

He finally raised his eyes to meet hers, having played with her long delicate fingers throughout his recollection. He smiled slightly at the wonderment in them

"I can't believe you remembered me," she said incredulously.

He shrugged his shoulders, brushing it off as nothing.

"Why didn't you ever tell me before?

"I don't really know. I always tried to push you to tell me though, maybe your account name for my fan websites," he added.

"Do you remember what you wrote?" she asked.

He nodded.

"KB – there are experiences in our lives that destroy us or make us. They are apart of our lives and should not be forgotten, but they should not prevent us from truly living life. Your sorrow will point you in the right direction and lead you to a full life you think is impossible. Keep fighting the battle. You won't lose. – Rick"

He watched her silently while the wheels in her head turned.

After all of their years knowing each other, he had never told her that story. When she first met him she considered telling him about it, but put it off. Eventually it made its way to the back of her mind, but always present. After a long day she would pull out that book and re-read the inscription.

"You helped me through a rough time in my life," she said.

"Kate you helped yourself. What I wrote was just an added detail."

She shook her head. "It was more than that though. I was depressed and wasn't sure what to do, who I could turn to. My dad turned to alcohol and by then I felt so alone." She felt a reassuring squeeze from Rick. "I came across your book and I found my solace. When I came to your signing all I really expected was for you to simply sign your name and be done with it, but I was wrong. What you wrote inspired me to become who I am today."

"Thanks," he said gratefully.

"I should be thanking you. Without you who knows where I would be, you motivated me."

"I'm glad. Otherwise there would be a lot of other families that would never get the peace of mind that you provide. You might not have that yet, but you will."

"I'm not going to give up."

"I'm not going to let you," he said seriously.

She gently disentangled her fingers from his, immediately missing the warmth he provided and the soothing circles he rubbed against the back of her hand. Walking over towards the bookcase she scanned his collections and his photographs.

Resting her eyes of a picture of the two of them taken by Alexis in the park she began, "I don't understand what you're going through. I keep trying to but I can't. I feel helpless in this because I feel like I should be able to help."

"Please don't. It's me. It's my problem," he stressed.

"Is it though?" she challenged.

"I'm not sure I know what you're implying KB," he said with furrowed brows.

Did she really want to do this? Risk everything they had together – as partners and best friends – to see where this went? Her mind was screaming no. She shouldn't make such a big leap while her eyes were closed and she didn't know which way was up and which way was down. She should wait for the reassurance that he wanted this too. The thing was though, she was almost positive she already had it, and for quite some time too.

"I can't help but feel as if this has to do with me," she admitted.

She observed his facial expression, watching as his eyebrows shot up in surprise and astonishment.

"Kate – "

"You don't need to sugarcoat things here Rick," she said feebly.

"I know that."

"So tell me the truth."

He breathed in; desperately hoping some confidence would come to him. If he continued feeling like this for her, he would go mad. If he continued this way and didn't know how she felt it would be even worse.

He knew that she wouldn't take the leap first. It wasn't her style and most certainly wasn't in her nature. Contrary to popular belief, particularly the media, he didn't jump into things without knowing their repercussions. But he couldn't continue on like this, constantly wondering and doubting the strength of connection and how far deep it ran.

"I want more out of this relationship," he said candidly.

* * *

A/N - Wow. Honestly this story keeps surprising me and I'm the one writing it... normal? Perhaps not, but I'm loving it and hope you are too. Sorry for the lack of updates! It's been a while fanfic readers. I've updated all of my stories that are in-progress right not for those of you who are currently reading my other work and for those of you who are interested. If you would like please review and let me know what you think. I'm not really sure where the next chapter is going to be truthful. Will Kate want to be friends? Will Kate admit she wants the same thing as Rick? Will they be interrupted? I have no clue and I am assuming you guys don't either - but if you have an opinion let me know.

xxx castleelovee :)


	8. Together

Previously…

Did she really want to do this? Risk everything they had together – as partners and best friends – to see where this went? Her mind was screaming no. She shouldn't make such a big leap while her eyes were closed and she didn't know which way was up and which way was down. She should wait for the reassurance that he wanted this too. The thing was though, she was almost positive she already had it, and for quite some time too.

He breathed in; desperately hoping some confidence would come to him. If he continued feeling like this for her, he would go mad. If he continued this way and didn't know how she felt it would be even worse.

He knew that she wouldn't take the leap first. It wasn't her style and most certainly wasn't in her nature. Contrary to popular belief, particularly the media, he didn't jump into things without knowing their repercussions. But he couldn't continue on like this, constantly wondering and doubting the strength of connection and how far deep it ran.

"I want more out of this relationship," he said candidly.

"W-what?"

"God I shouldn't feel this way," he groaned, raking his fingers through his hair.

"What do you mean?" she questioned quietly.

"I mean look at me," he laughed sardonically. "I look like crap, I haven't slept in weeks, my thoughts are a mess, and anything I write is pure sap!"

"I'm not really sure what I'm supposed be saying now but – "

"That's the thing Kate," he began dejectedly as he rested his head in both his hands on the desk. "You have this filter on all the time and all I want is for it to disappear, so you can just be you. I want you to let me in and I mean that in every sense of the word," he ended dangerously.

"You want to change me?" she said angrily.

"God no! Of course that is what you decide to believe though."

"Well what do you want me to say Rick? You've been acting strangely for weeks and haven't clued me in on this emotional rollercoaster we're on! Tell me what you want from me!"

Kate finally looked up to meet his eyes, quickly seeing fleeting emotions. His gaze became less direct and more guarded.

"All I ever wanted was for you to tell me that I'm not the only one that feels this way Kate."

He was met with silence. He had known that he didn't need to clarify what he meant by his statement. She knew. That's what hurt him even more as the silence continued on and he was met with an unwavering gaze of her fierce green eyes. He laughed at the pain he was feeling because it was better than wanting her with a passion. It wasn't like he could even say he regretted telling her, it was better to figure out what she wanted from this relationship now. It was better his hope was crushed.

"I better head home," Kate whispered.

Seriously Kate? This is what you want. The man you've wanted all along just confessed his feelings for you and you say I better go home? Hopefully the moment was not lost, perhaps she could still salvage what she wanted to say…

"Right, of course," he replied solemnly.

He urged his body to move despite his anguish.

Wordlessly he rose from his desk chair and when he finally reached her she had expected that he would place his hand gently at the small of her back, just like the countless times he had done before. It wouldn't have been anything new. She found herself missing the amount of heat simply his hand radiated through her clothing.

She followed as his body continued forward, leading her out of his study and into the main room. He made his way to the couch where she had earlier placed her coat, finally meeting up with her at the door of the loft.

She watched as he raised her coat in front of her, silently saying she should turn around. He slipped her coat on behind her, his hands betraying him, resting on her shoulder blades for a moment to long.

Kate turned around after his hands fell to his sides. He had taken a considerable amount of steps back, inevitably making sure there was a distance between the two.

Neither missed the symbolism.

"Rick, if you let me explain that I –"

"No need," he waved it off.

"You're not letting me speak," she growled, placing her hands on her hips.

"What could make this any better Kate?"

She hated his voice had so much disappointment in it. What made it worse was that she put it there simply because of a misunderstanding. She knew she wouldn't be able to tell him how she felt, but she'd at least be able to soothe his troubles a bit until she was able to.

"Rick, I-"

"You don't need to explain anything to me Kate. I know you. I've been around you for years now, for a while as a shadow and then as a friend. Regardless, I know you. You don't need to explain, you don't need to apologize. It's how you feel," he shrugged.

"I want more too," she quickly said.

"W-what?"

"I want what you want too. I want to be there next to you when you need me to hold you up and when you can stand alone. I want it all."

"Really?"

"Really," she nodded.

Both of them leaned in for the kiss. It was everything they ever expected it to be, and some how even more.

They would get through this.

Together.

* * *

aaaaand there you go! complete at last. once again i apologize for the lack of updates and any added suspense that it may have caused, school was stressful. hopefully it was worth it though :)


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